On March 29th, 2015, my best friend in the world passed away. He was an inspirational individual with such intellect that I found it impossible to acquire another like him. When I was feeling low or even deeper, he was there to talk to me and make me laugh. He used to come to me when he had problems with his life and I did the same for him. His passing left such a void in my soul. There is no one left for me to talk to and really open up with. I realize that I need the help but there is just no comfort in speaking with anyone else. I miss you buddy. I really do.
A few months before this man passed on, he sent me two different files. One of them was a little bass rift that he thought was catchy. The other file was a little something about emotional abuse. Now I’m not sure where he may have gotten any of these facts or thoughts but I would like to share it with everyone. It’s a real eye opener about how to identify and possibly prevent emotional abuse before it progresses into other situations. Here is the Copy/Paste of his thoughts in it’s entirety:
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is any kind of psychological abuse that traumatizes a person’s mind or their state of being, forcing them to feel weak, traumatized and helpless. You may feel moments of emotional abuse now and then in your own relationships with the people around you, be it with your parents, siblings, friends or even your romantic partner. The easiest way to realize if you’re being abused by someone is if you feel weak and stressed around them.
Gas lighting: “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the person you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which they spirals into outer orbit, they may very well not remember things they’ve said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: Their gas lighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
Constant Chaos: They are addicted to conflict. They get a charge from the adrenaline and drama. They may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on their bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. They may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to them with hostility, so that they can accuse you of being abusive and they can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hyper vigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
Emotional Blackmail: They threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by their rules. They play on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what he/she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
Denial: Even when you point out their emotionally abusive ways, your partner doesn’t accept their emotionally abusive ways as a flaw. Instead, they convince themselves and try to convince you that they’re doing all this only to help you become a better person and stand on your own feet. Don’t expect your partner to share your view of the problem. If you tell them that their behavior toward you is abusive, they’ll most likely turn it around on you (DARVO—Deny, attack and reverse victim order) and accuse you of being the abuser. That’s what abusers do. They blame their victims. It’s what the stereotypical alcoholic wife beater does and it’s what abusive high-conflict and/or abusive personality-disordered women do.
In conclusion you must develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly suppressing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the “fight or flight” response that is coming through, and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions to end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forms where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or trusted family members, a professional and respectful psychologist, etc. Abuse is NOT your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect.
My dearest friend asked me to read this over and do some editing for grammar and such just a short time before he passed. I kept it in a word document, untouched, for a very long time. I am guilty of committing all of these atrocities. I’m working now to better myself. Fortunately for me, I have a loving, understanding wife who impatiently deals with it. I cannot blame her for being impatient and in no way mean anything bad by it. I am simply stating that she is still supportive of me as far as she can.
This post is specifically meant as an apology and a promise to my Wife, A.J.Z. I love you, beautiful and I acknowledge my problems. I’m now going to try to fix them.